A Changing Sense of Self

     This past Sunday, returning to New Mexico from very rich and supportive time with family in Illinois, I was aware that I was not thinking of myself as "coming home" but rather as "coming back."  It doesn't quite feel like home without Bob.  Then tonight, for the second time after his death, I attended the monthly Alzheimer's caregiver's support group; this time, I felt out-of-place--even though several in the group have urged me to come, and assured me I am a "permanent member." Tonight, there were three new members who talked at length of the way the disease is affecting their mothers, and thus, their own lives.  It was very difficult to listen to their stories and I felt myself distancing emotionally from them.  On the way home, I realized that that is consistent with other responses I've made since Bob died.  I had belonged to a caregiver's support group on Facebook, and was getting posts from two or three other Alzheimer's-related Facebook groups, but after he died, I couldn't bear even seeing the posts much less reading them.  And so, I discontinued those connections almost immediately. Tonight I think it's time for me to move on from the local support group, too--although, not from the members with whom I've grown close.  We can certainly find ways to stay in touch. But I am not feeling up to beginning the Alzheimer's journey anew, and I don't want to be a "permanent member" of the group, even though I know the invitation is offered as loving support.  It feels like time for me to move on, and I'm inclined to trying a grief support group I've heard good things about. That feels more apropos for my heart and journey now.