Dilemmas and Decisions

     Tonight I feel a strange peacefulness.  It's strange because my mind and heart are filled with "dilemmas and decisions-to-be-made."  Perhaps the peacefulness is because of the day Bob had today.  He was given no sedatives at all since last night, and he had a pretty good day overall.  He ate all 3 of his meals in the dining room instead of in his room--breakfast with the help of a CNA, lunch with the help of our friend Janice, and dinner with my help.  He enjoyed several wheelchair excursions around the facility, including several trips to the patio areas.  We listened to music and "chair danced" (which made us both smile) and after dinner, I took my sheet music books to the sun room  and played the piano and sang to him--eliciting his applause each time.  Once he was in bed, he seemed to grow restless so I'm not sure how his night will go.  I hope it will be restful since the staff tells me he was up A LOT last night!

     Yesterday's trip to Albuquerque was....hard, I guess.  It was made easier because Donna was my chauffeur, companion, and loving friend, but overall it was hard.  It was hard physically because it was a long day--getting up at 6:00, leaving at 8:00, touring the one and only facility contracted by the VA which actually had both a memory care unit and a bed available (this was out of at least 10 facilities in Albuquerque).  I came home thinking I had no choice but to put Bob there--because of his needs, and because of our financial situation.  This would lead to a whole complicated series of dilemmas and decisions--having to pay rent and utilities here in Taos while I move--temporarily-- to Albuquerque (about 3 hours south), finding a furnished place in Albuquerque for me, figuring out what I need to take with me to Albuquerque for both of us, accepting the fact that I'll be living in a place where I know no one and have no support system at all, having to forward mail (and as yet, having no address to send it to), and on and on.

     Then today happened.  Bob was, as I wrote above, more like himself--mellow, smiling, mostly easy-going, and all without the aid of any medication.  I asked the day-shift nurse if he continued this way, would they be able to manage him at this Taos facility.  She didn't hesitate to say yes.  As Bob and I shared dinner in our usual comfortable silence, I began to think it might be worth it to me and to him to try to stay here in Taos, even though it would cost me dearly financially.  Here is "home" now--where we have friends and support.  I would have to pay out-of-pocket at this facility because the VA has not contracted with them, but perhaps it would be worth it for both of us.  He would not have to go through another transition period in a new facility.  We would not have to weather all of what lies ahead totally alone in a big and unfamiliar city, 3 hours from our closest friends and support system.

     I don't know what to do.  Logically, it seems ridiculous not to accept the placement in Albuquerque since Medicare would cover the hospice portion and the VA would cover the rest.  But my heart is tugging in a different direction, even if it means out-of-pocket payments of $6,000 a month--which we could manage, but only for a very short time, and not without jeopardizing my financial security for the future.  Our friend Steve mentioned the other day that clarity sometimes comes in sleep, and I have experienced that, too.  So I think I will sleep on this, maybe for the next couple of nights, until I can ask some more questions come Monday.  And I will welcome insight from family or friends who read this that may help bring my dilemmas closer to clear choices and decisions. In the meantime, I am grateful for the "strange peace" I feel tonight, and for the gentle, happy day Bob and I spent.  May he and I have a restful night, strengthening us for the day ahead.