Heartbreaking days

     So the respite week that was supposed to be has turned into my worst nightmare for Bob.  He has not handled this time well at all.  Rather, this disease has overcome him during this time.  I can't even begin to put words on all the heartbreaking things he/we have endured.  He is not coping well, and I have spent this time trying to resolve:  What will I do for him now?  I don't feel I can bring him home and care for him safely (for both of us) at this time.  So tomorrow our next door neighbor friend, Donna, and I are going to Albuquerque to explore some possible memory care placements that would be funded by Medicare and the VA (whatever Medicare doesn't cover.)  If we find something for him, I will be looking for at least a temporary (maybe month-to-month) apartment there for myself so that I can be with him every day.  My heart is breaking; the only reason my spirit isn't crushed is because I know how much he needs me to do this for him.  I am grateful for the wonderful support of our NM friends--Steve who ran an emergency run to get meds to Bob and brought me kleenex tonight while I wept and hugged me tight before I left; Donna who came to keep me company as I made myself eat lunch today, who will go with me tomorrow to Albuquerque even as she copes with her own misery from allergy season, and who has listened to me countless hours as I sort through feelings and fears and whatever else this brutal disease demands; and Janice who also listens with her heart and who will go to have lunch with Bob tomorrow in my place.  I am weary of the worry, and overwhelmed with the changes in Bob and the decisions this has suddenly thrust upon me.  I don't know what to wish for or pray for except peace, especially for my beloved Bob who is so tortured right now.  My heart grieves and rages and longs for release for him.