The hospice staff have begun encouraging me to take advantage of a 5-day respite they offer. It would mean Bob spends those five days in a small nursing center in Taos, part of the Taos Retirement Village facility. When this first came up, I couldn't picture myself doing it. Mainly, I couldn't imagine leaving Bob there, even just for 5 days. And I worried about how he would feel about going. But I'm also trying to trust the objective observation of the hospice workers who, like my family and friends, remind me that taking care of myself is essential to taking good care of Bob, too, as well as being necessary for my own long-term health. These are things I know in my head, but my heart sometimes gets in the way of seeing clearly.
So, I have been approaching this in stages. First, I went to see the facility where Bob would stay. I met some of the staff, talked at length with a nurse, and came away feeling a little better about his being there--especially since it would only be for five days. The center is right in town, on a main street, with lovely grounds and the chance to get out--both on the grounds, and in one of their two garden/patio areas. Walks into town are also possible, with a staff member or with me. Hospice team members who already know Bob would also be checking on him and the CNA who does his showers at home would go there to do them as well. The facility is small; there were only 12 residents the day I visited. That would probably make things easier on Bob, too.
Since my visit, I have been mulling over how to approach doing this. I wanted to be sure Bob understood it was temporary. I didn't want him to feel hurt, abandoned, or fearful. I hoped he wouldn't be resistant. Tonight I decided I would test the waters. So I told him that the hospice staff think it would be good for me to have a break. Before I could say anything else, he was nodding his head and smiling. I asked if he thought so, too, and again he nodded. So then I told him about their proposal. I got out the calendar to help him visualize "five days." I told him I would still be seeing him every day, just not being the one responsible for his care. I mentioned how good it would be for me to be able to sleep through the night at home knowing the "night shift" would be there for him when he needed to get up. All the time, he was nodding in agreement and looking at me totally peacefully. I told him this was something he can do for me, and he agreed with that, too.
All of our married life Bob has always been willing to do whatever makes me happy, so his generous and selfless response was not really a surprise. Rather, I felt a deeply touching and welcome realization that he is still capable of paying attention to me and my needs, that he has not lost the capacity to care about how I am. Now it doesn't feel like I'm foisting this on him. Instead, it feels like this is Bob's gift of love to me: his support and encouragement, as well as his willingness to make this short adjustment in his own routine for my well-being. I always knew I had married a wonderful, loving, big-hearted guy; tonight I felt all that anew and my heart is quietly, joyfully celebrating.
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